How to Win Friends & Influence People

1. Success in life, especially in the engineering space, isn't just about technical skills—only 15% of it is technical knowledge; the other 85% relies on communication, personality, leadership, and people skills. These "human engineering" skills are the key to thriving in both personal and professional spheres. Person with people skills paid lot than person with technical skills.

2. Most of us don't see our own mistakes clearly, which is why self-criticism is so rare. Instead of blaming, we often rationalise our actions, which makes it difficult for us to improve.

3. Abraham Lincoln used to be a harsh critic but changed after a key incident. In one example, during the Civil War, even when a general ignored his direct orders, Lincoln didn’t express anger or send a critical letter he had written. This shift toward calmness and empathy made him a powerful leader. so next time before criticising, think about how you can handle the situation differently.

4. We often forget to appreciate the people closest to us, like our parents, partners, and friends. Dale Carnegie shares a touching story about a wife who asked her husband to point out six things she needed to improve on. Rather than critiquing her, the husband told her he needed time to think about it. The next morning, instead of offering criticisms, he sent six roses to their home with a note that said, “I thought long and hard, but I couldn’t come up with a single thing you need to improve.” Overwhelmed by his kindness, the wife broke down in tears. This story shows the power of sincere appreciation and how much it means to the people we care about.

5. Offer honest, sincere appreciation—not flattery. People can easily tell the difference between genuine praise and empty compliments. Dale Carnegie emphasises that sincere appreciation can uplift others and strengthen relationships, while flattery, which lacks authenticity, often feels manipulative. When we genuinely acknowledge someone’s efforts or qualities, it creates a lasting positive impact. Instead of offering shallow praise, focus on what truly stands out about a person and express it with heartfelt sincerity. This simple act of appreciation can make a profound difference in how others feel and respond to us.

6. Andrew Carnegie, one of the wealthiest men of his time and a steel magnate, began his career earning just 2 cents an hour, but rose to immense success. His advice on influence is simple yet powerful: "To influence others, speak in terms of what they want." People are naturally more interested in their own needs and desires than anyone else's. In a group photo, who do you naturally look for first? It's often yourself. Just like that, people are more interested in themselves than anyone else. So, when trying to influence others, focus on their needs and desires. Speak to their interests, and they’ll be more inclined to listen and follow your suggestions.

7. Help people see what they can gain from your ideas, and they’ll be more open to following your suggestions. For instance, to be a great conversationalist, listen more than you talk and show interest in what others are passionate about. By asking questions others want to answer and letting them talk about themselves, you encourage them to feel important. This fosters trust and stronger connections. In just two months of being interested in others, you can make more friends than you would in two years trying to get people interested in you.

8. Carnegie emphasises the importance of smiling, even forcing it when needed. A smile is more valuable than expensive clothes or fancy gestures, as it conveys warmth and openness. Smiling has the power to transform relationships, including the ones closest to you.

9. The average person is more interested in their own name than all other names in the world combined. People have a deep connection to their names, and using someone's name demonstrates respect and appreciation. To achieve success in our field and life, make it a priority to remember not only people's names but also their birthdays. Jim Farley, an influential politician, mastered the skill of recalling 50,000 names, which significantly contributed to his success. Franklin Roosevelt credited Farley with helping him win the presidency in 1932, showcasing the power of personal connections. Make it a habit to note down or remember people's birthdays, as doing so shows you genuinely care.

10. In any conversation, when one person yells, the other listens; two people yelling at the same time only creates noise. A couple adopted this principle, agreeing that when the wife yells, the husband will listen, and vice versa. This simple agreement strengthened their relationship significantly. Furthermore, no one wins in an argument, as hatred only breeds more hatred. Instead, approach conflicts with calm diplomacy. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and enthusiastically—this disarms the other person and shifts the conversation toward resolution, fostering understanding and a stronger bond.

11. Changing someone's mind can be an uphill battle, often met with resistance. Instead of worrying about convincing others, focus on your own actions. As Galileo wisely stated, "You cannot teach anything to a man; you can only help him find it within himself."

12. People thrive on recognition, even small improvements deserve praise. Rather than criticising, point out their progress and encourage them to live up to their potential. Charles Dickens, who started as a young writer, received recognition for his first works, boosting his confidence to become one of the greatest novelists.

13. When someone makes a mistake, it's crucial to avoid making them feel bad or undermining their dignity. Instead of pointing out their errors bluntly, offer diplomatic solutions by framing your feedback as suggestions. Moreover, rather than getting defensive about mistakes, take the initiative to apologise when appropriate. Acknowledging your own part can disarm the situation and often leads the other person to share positive insights about you. Remember, any fool can defend their mistakes, but true strength lies in gracefully handling criticism.

14. The author shares a compelling story about how Rockefeller handled a strike initiated by his factory workers seeking higher wages. Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, Rockefeller took a calm approach. He personally visited each worker's home, engaging with their wives and children. Upon returning to the factory, he addressed the workers by saying, 'Today, I am here as your friend.' This illustrates that by building genuine friendships and showing empathy, one can earn the trust and respect of others. As the saying goes, 'By fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than expected.

15. Author gives us an example of a renter facing a challenge when the owner wanted to increase the rent, which he couldn’t afford. Instead of trying to persuade the owner to lower it, the renter chose to focus on the positive aspects of the house. He highlighted what he loved about the property and how much it meant to him. To his surprise, this approach worked; the owner not only decided against the rent increase but even reduced it slightly in response to the renter's heartfelt appreciation.

16. Changing “but” to “and” in conversations can transform the tone and outcome of your discussions. When you respond with “but,” it often negates what the other person has said, creating resistance and defensiveness. For example, instead of saying, “I understand your point, but…” try saying, “I understand your point, and…” This simple shift acknowledges the other person's perspective while introducing your own ideas. It fosters a more collaborative environment, encouraging open dialogue and making it easier for others to feel heard and valued.

17. Before offering criticism, share your own mistakes to create a more empathetic environment. Instead of simply pointing out what someone did wrong, consider saying, “I’ve made similar mistakes, and here’s how I approached it.” This approach not only softens the blow but also fosters collaboration. For example, suggest alternatives by framing it as, “What if we try it this way?” This allows the other person to save face while still encouraging positive change.

18. Approach conversations with sincerity, empathy, and respect, taking the time to understand their perspectives. By being sympathetic to their ideas and desires, you create an environment where they feel valued and important. Encourage them to see the suggestion as their own, fostering a sense of ownership that increases their willingness to follow your lead.

19. Embrace challenges as opportunities for personal growth. Everyone experiences fear, but true bravery lies in confronting and overcoming that fear. By pushing beyond your comfort zone, you not only foster your own progress but also inspire others to do the same. Talk about yourself less and listen to others more. Share your achievements only when asked. A French philosopher once said, 'If you want to make enemies, excel your friends; but if you want to make friends, let your friends excel you.

20. Dramatise Your Ideas: Presenting mere facts can often fall flat. To captivate your audience, infuse emotion and storytelling into your ideas. People are far more likely to remember compelling narratives than dry statistics, so use stories to illustrate your points and make your message resonate. Strive to be more knowledgeable than those around you, as advised by Lord Chesterfield. However, it’s essential to practice humility without boasting.

Final Lesson:

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie masterfully illustrates that success is not just about knowledge or technical skills, but about mastering the art of human interaction. By practicing the principles mentioned above we transform both our personal and professional lives. This book serves as a guide, reminding us that small, thoughtful actions can have a profound impact on those around us. Whether we’re aiming to lead, influence, or simply form better relationships, Carnegie’s lessons empower us to navigate the complexities of human behaviour with warmth and wisdom. In a world that often overlooks the value of social skills, Carnegie shows us how these soft skills are, in fact, the strongest foundation for a successful life.